


I'm Thinking of Ending Things

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Dan is dumb x, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Dan hears half a conversation, jumps to one whole conclusion.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	I'm Thinking of Ending Things

Dan’s in that sweet spot, halfway between being asleep and being awake. Phil had shoved on some Netflix movie, eaten all the popcorn ten minutes in.Nights like these always ground him, these soft, shared moments that are purely for them rather than for the world. 

He’d fallen asleep about an hour ago, had fought his body for half an hour before giving in. He could catch up later, get a Phil recap that never made sense but was always somehow better than the thing they were supposed to be watching. His re-tellings were essentially entire movies on their own, that brain spinning something that no one else could ever spin. Sometimes he believed that every Phil thought was unique, a thought no one else had ever had. 

There was dreaming, dreams about being on a gameshow, something about curtains and love and Phil using a sword - Phil should not be trusted with a sword, dream or not.

  
  
Maybe it was a nightmare. 

  
  
Now he’s here, knowing if he just gives himself permission he’ll be back out like a light - he doesn’t want to be out like anything. Phil’s got an arm around him, drawing small circles into his shoulder in a way that screams - _i’m not even aware i’m doing this._

Dan does that an awful lot now, now that he’s out and settled and every move he makes seems less terrifying, less life altering, less - anything. He’ll link their pinkies together whenever Phil passes by, just so he’ll get that eye roll (if Phil’s busy), or he’ll get a goofy grin and - if he’s lucky - a kiss. He touches whenever he gets the chance, or not - goes out of his way sometimes to lay a hand on Phil’s shoulder, to lean in and fix his quiff, to do anything that involves feeling Phil’s warmth beneath his fingertips.

He thinks Phil does the same, touches on purpose - but sometimes not. Sometimes it’s like they’re just drawn to each other, like a moth to a flame, which is all very ironic considering Dan hates the dusty fuckers. He’ll look down like he’s shocked to see his hand on Dan’s thigh, like he hadn’t meant to tuck a curl behind his ear, like nothing was planned yet he’s thrilled to be doing it anyway. 

  
  
So, Dan’s quite happy to stay in the land of the in-between whilst Phil’s touching him like that - like he doesn’t realise. 

The movie is paused, or the tv is off entirely, he’s too lazy to look. The only sound is Phil’s voice, it’s hushed and considerate, like he thinks Dan could do with the rest. It’s probably Martyn on the other end of the phone, they had a habit of calling each other on a Sunday - often spoke about complete bullshit. 

Sometimes Phil would put him on loudspeaker and Dan would join in, this often lead to Cornelia, too. Martyn would tease in true older brother fashion, Dan would egg him on (as an older brother himself - solidarity, and all that), Cornelia would tell him to be kind. It was nice, nice in a way that Dan had never thought he’d experience - family calling just to talk, just because they liked each other. 

He’s too tired for that today, content to just listen to Phil’s laugh, listen to him whine when Martyn says whatever Martyn says. 

He zones in and out, catching snippets of something. He’s sure Phil will relay it all to him later, exaggerated and with added hand movements. He could listen to Phil speak forever, sure he still has that look from eleven years ago on his face whenever his boyfriend so much as aims a single word in his direction. 

“Shutup! I did not put an ice lolly-“  


  
Oh, Dan will _ask_ about that one. 

“He’s asleep.”

  
  
Sort of, he could be, might be, who knows. 

“Tell Cornelia I said hi!”

  
  
Dan wants to say it, too, but his brain refuses to cooperate with his mouth. He’s too warm and cozy and - he’s just everything he wants to be.

  
  
“I’m thinking of ending things.”

  
  
That wakes Dan up. He goes bolt up right, heart going a mile a minute, it startles Phil who drops his phone on to the laminate. The noise it makes doesn’t sound promising, likely a mimic of Dan’s heart, he was positive it had just shattered into a thousand pieces - he wonders if it’s all fallen down into his stomach.

“You alright?” Phil mouths, leaning over the arm of the sofa to assess the damage. 

The screens broke. Martyn’s saying something.He hangs up.He reaches out to tuck a curl behind his ear, to rest a hand on Dan’s cheek. It doesn’t make any sense, Phil’s still got that fond look like - like Dan’s his forever. 

“Again?” Dan asks, quiet. “Going to cost you a fortune.” And it’s so fucking mundane, to be having a conversation about Apple and their extortionate repair costs when Phil’s thinking of - ending things.

He probably won’t even exist in Phil’s phone soon, last remains of him in a broken screen in a way that seems entirely fitting for the situation. 

  
  
“Oh, yeah, s’fine. I was due an upgrade anyway.” He looks less concerned about the state of his screen, more concerned about the state of Dan’s face. “Bad dream?”

  
  
He wants to agree, wants to nod his head and fall back into Phil and demand he resume with the touching, resume with the being in love, resume with the life in which they were together until - untilthey physically couldn’t be.

He’d heard it, though, hadn’t he? Clear as day. Whispered down a phone line whilst he thought Dan was asleep.

  
  
Had he done something wrong? Been too attentive, not attentive enough, has Phil had enough of youtube comments asking where he was, had enough of Dan stomping about when he left all the cupboards open or put something questionable in the dishwasher. 

He just - felt secure. Up until now. If anyone ever questioned them, the state of their relationship, he answers with rosy cheeks and an obvious smile. The sort that makes you want to punch someone, the _i'm in love and you're not but don't worry you'll find it because I have_ smile. He can't help it, Phil makes him stupid and soppy and willing to admit that life is really fucking alright - sometimes.

Too secure? Was that a thing. 

Even the rocky patches were never a signal to end things, they always got through everything. 

  
  
Dan thinks he’s good - as boyfriend, a soulmate, a companion through life.

“Earth to Daniel Howell, is he in there?” He misses his intended target of a curl, instead sticks the tip of his finger right into his ear. 

  
  
“Jesus!” Dan jumps, jerks his head away. “That wasn’t - ow. Cut your nails.”

  
  
“Sorry, you'd gone all like.. no thoughts head empty.” He laughs, and it’s the same sound as ever, nothing in there to indicate he’s leaving his partner of nearly eleven years.

“Oh.” It’s dumb - bound to be dumb. What’s he supposed to say? Is he supposed to confront him? Demand why he’s thinking of leaving him and their newly adopted pigeon who’s - watching. He’s on the balcony, staring through the window - aware, interested, troubled. 

“Hey.” Phil tries, it’s his coaxing tone. The one he uses to persuade Dan into stupid things - stupid things like sharing a too small bath, drinking entire bottles of wine before radio shows, buying unnecessary crap that’ll rot and die in the prop chest.  


“Hey.” Dan swallows, it’s harsh and too much, like he’s got something stuck in his throat that isn’t just the physical manifestation of his breaking heart. 

“Wanna talk about it?” And he’s kind like that, always giving Dan a choice.

“Not really.” He slumps into Phil, and Phil immediately holds him close in another confusing move of being in love when he’s apparently not in love anymore. 

  
  
“Alright.” He murmurs, starting a gentle sway that makes Dan feel a little bit sick - maybe he’ll throw up the pieces that are broken.

It’s silent for a while, whilst Dan tries not to cry about this being the last time, and whilst Phil just lets Dan be. 

Phil’s the first to speak, mumbles something into Dan’s hair. “I paused the movie when I realisedyou were asleep, but it was - don’t even know. The most insane thing i’ve ever watched, was just telling Martyn about it.”

  
  
“What movie?” They’d just pressed play without paying attention, just needed something for cuddling on the sofa, an excuse for popcorn.

  
  
“The movie, Dan! You know! I’m Thinking of Ending Things.”

  
  
_Oh -_ maybe Dan does deserve all the allegations of being a touch dramatic. 

**Author's Note:**

> prev: thirdtimelucky (wanted my tumblr to match this!)
> 
> I had 14 fics and was losing my mind cos i hate even numbers so..... have this. 15 makes me much happier :). 
> 
> ALSO that film truly is fucking INSANEEEEE!!!!!! if u have watched it... plz agree.


End file.
